Randall Stephens, Evil Genius -- From New Contributor Glenn Beck!

I’m delighted to introduce to you today our new contributor, Mr. Glenn Beck! Beck’s radio and television shows are well known to the public, and through these venues he has also become known as an American religious historian, one who draws from the rich tradition of David Barton, W. Cleon Skousen, and quite a few of the figures who are discussed in Richard Hoftstadter’s classic Anti-Intellectualism in American Life. Beck’s first post today concerns our very own blogmeister, Randall Stephens, who wields a degree of power and influence of which even I was unaware. Welcome to Glenn! We hope to have many thoughtful posts from him upcoming.

Randall Stephens, Evil Genius

By Glenn Beck

Greetings, RiAH readers, and thank you for taking the time out from your busy days of buying gold to protect yourself from the coming apocalypse, as well as faithfully following me on The Glenn Beck Show, to read some of my perusings here at your estimable blog. I especially want to thank Christopher Jones, who really spearheaded the national drive to have my name added to the list of contributors. As you faithful blog readers know, Christopher and I go way back on this blog, almost back to those days when “the social network” meant cracking open a case of Vitamin Water with buddies and sitting down to watch the Mavs play the Lakers. So, here’s one for you, Chris! I hope you go all Jimmer on ‘em down there at William and Mary.

But we have serious concerns to attend to today, my friends. I hope to run a series of posts on these concerns, because it’s going to take a while to explain to you how and why we have a mole in our midst. That’s right, my friends, while you have been worried over the crushing burden of Centralized Socialism created by Woodrow Wilson and passed down through Mr. Roosevelt and Mr. Kennedy until it finally reached Barack HUSSEIN Obama, and while you have anguished over the Protocols of the Elders of Ben Bernanke and his devious manipulations of our financial system to rob the wealth from those who have created it, and while certainly you have fallen to your knees in prayer every time you have seen the Liberal Media Conspiracy attack my friend and true patriot Sarah Palin – even as you have done these things, you, I, and the American people have missed truly comprehending the evil genius that ultimately is behind the Decline of the American Republic, its descent into Liberal Fascist Socialism, and its capture by a secret religious history elite which has conspired to undermine the very values, morals, and patriotism that has made this once-great country what it was, even if it no longer is. That’s right, my friends – today I must begin to explain to you how and why I came to realize that Randall Stephens is the Evil Genius of our age, and, if not the AntiChrist himself, quite possibly betokens the coming of an age which will eventuate in the end of freedom in America.

That's right, freedom is under siege, and Mr. Stephens (along with George Soros, Media Matters for America, and the evil folks here) is heading up the forces of our enemy. Revolution is what they are shooting for!!

As always, my friends, please, do not take what I say as gospel. Do your own research. I've been educating you for over two years now on the radicals and revolutionaries in this country who control everything, and I've heard from many of you who did not believe until you followed my broadcasts with your own research. I myself would not have believed what I am explaining here, but gradually, reluctantly, and even to my own surprise, I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Stephens is the most dangerous man in America.

Those of you who know Mr. Stephens may be surprised, even shocked, to hear of his true nature and his linkages with many of the great apostasies of our age. He may come across to you as a mild-mannered Nazarene and, even worse, a college professor of history, who dispenses gentle witticisms such as his oh-so-funny line about the relatively high rates of obesity among evangelicals that the Liberal Media Conspiracy claims as truth – what he calls “The Scandal of the Evangelical Behind.” It is those kind of seemingly innocent puns, my friends, that lead you astray, for behind the Kansas-born demeanor lies an intellect so acute, so manipulative, and yes, so conniving that he can only be compared to a cross between John Maynard Keynes, John Kenneth Gailbraith, Mark Noll, Van Jones, Bill Ayers, and (worst of all) that guru of glibly -- err, flippantly, I mean -- false pluralism, Chris Beneke.

My friends, you ask how I can come to such a conclusion. Doesn’t it seem a little extreme. Am I just nuts, like my friends in the Liberal Media Establishment always say I am? Have I fallen off the wagon again?

Well, you all know I feel strongly and passionately about preserving the Values that made this Republic Great; and you know that my patriotism is directly connected to my tear duct glands, and you know that I only aim to educate and instruct you in the way that the world works because no one else will do so. I care about you, my friends, and I know that you only want to know the TRUTH, and that sometimes the truth can be seen only through following elaborate chains of connections and reasonings that get one to the heart of the matter. That’s why I’m here, my friends, because I know that you want to know, and you know that I may know something that you don’t know. And I know that that is the case here, because I know that you don’t know the real truth behind the blogging, book-writing, beer-swilling, Fulbright-winning, Nazarene Sunday-School-teaching, guitar-playing, witticism-dispensing, You-Tube-interviewing whirling dervish of devious deception that is Randall Stephens.

So, you are asking, how does Randall actually run the world, without anyone knowing about it. Stay tuned, my friends – Part II of this series, to be posted a bit later today after I finish teaching my class on How and Why Louis Brandeis and Felix Frankfurter Persuaded FDR to Go Off the Gold Standard, And Why Barack Hussein Obama Refuses to Put Us Back On It In Spite of the Imminent Financial and Spiritual Doom That Awaits Us Because He Won’t, will explain the full range of Mr. Stephens’ influence. Stay thirsty, my friends, I’ll be right back with the rest; tune in around 8:00 Salt Lake City time tonight for the remainder of my exposition.


Kelly Baker said…
Stay thirsty my friends, indeed. Also, Glenn, I feel left out. I am just as threatening as Randall, yet I merit no mention. I'll look forward to other posts. XOXO, Kelly.
Lisa from Ireland said…
Well said - especially one of the longest sentences since St. Paul!

Ho hum humida!

Lisa, Baltimore.
linfordfisher said…
Hilarious! I think we need a video segment spoof as well--would be right up Mr. Evil Genius' alley!
Randall said…
I feel blessed to have reached the heights and made it onto Beck's anti-radicalism radar!

I'm thinking here of these lines from Mark Twain:

"Captain Sellers did me the honor to profoundly detest me from that day forth. When I say he did me the honor, I am not using empty words. It was a very real honor to be in the thoughts of so great a man as Captain Sellers, and I had wit enough to appreciate it and be proud of it. It was distinction to be loved by such a man; but it was much greater distinction to be hated by him, because he loved scores of people; but he didn’t sit up nights to hate anybody but me."
Luke Harlow said…
This is amazing. (I always had a feeling about Randall.)

Cheers belatedly on the Fulbright, Randall and Ed.
Christopher said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christopher said…

Glenn, on an unrelated note: have you devised any fresh plans on how best to torture Paul now that there will be no NFL fantasy football season for you to jinx?
Brad Hart said…
Awesome, simply awesome!
Chris Beneke said…
Glib? Please. Flippant maybe. But not glib.
John G. Turner said…
Note that Stephens tried to disguise his evil mentality by shaving off his shaggy beard. Careful observers should not be deceived by his more upstanding recent appearance.
Anonymous said…
Dear Christopher:

God only knows what torture I have devised for Mr. Harvey in lieu of screwing up his fantasy season for the 4th year in a row this year. Watch, and listen; the screams you hear will make Mubarak's secret police look like the security guards at Six Flags in Dallas.

Regards, your friend,

Glenn Beck